North Korea Goes Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs
Dennis Rodman, North Korea’s favorite son and pally to Kim Jong un, is reportedly back on the peninsula. Why? No one seems to know for sure, but there is speculation. However, neither Rodman or his press agent have been available for official comment.
It’s no surprise that when the NBA star first visited Kim Jong un in Pyongyang in 2013 the two world leaders exchanged the customary ceremonial gifts. It is reported that the Supreme Leader of North Korea presented Rodman with a ring (with finger) from one of Kim’s least favorite uncles. Rodman is reported to have given Kim complementary tickets to a Spurs game. Rodman also gave Kim some NBA bling ..a jersey, a basketball, and an autographed pair of his size 14 court shoes. Apparently, the Supreme Leader didn’t make the Spurs/Bulls game in Chicago, but he has been seen wearing Rodman’s jersey and shoes around the palace, and, is apparently getting pretty good at the free throw line.
But the gift that Kim seems to have taken to heart is the box of Cocoa Puffs Rodman left behind as an afterthought. That’s right, Cocoa Puffs. Every kid knows that Cocoa Puffs is a popular chocolate flavored breakfast cereal contracting with a cartoonish toucan as a logo mascot, apparently, Rodman‘s favorite snack (the cereal, not the toucan). He eats the stuff right out of the box and is known to frequently leave a half-eaten box behind ..in a taxi cab, on an airplane, in the locker room, etc. He loves ‘em.
The half eaten box he left in his room in North Korea in 2013 somehow made it to Kim’s digs at the palace, and Kim has become a Cocoa Puffs addict! He can’t seem to get enough of the chocolate flavored breakfast treat. Who would have thought that such a seemingly benign gesture of friendship could hold the peace between the U.S. and North Korea, and the world, in balance. Kim has been importing the Cocoa Puffs since 2013 but the recent sanctions by the U.S. against North Korea have blocked the shipping of this product to North Korea, specifically to Kim at the palace.
The critical mass of this situation, and most likely the cause of the recent escalation in North Korea’s nuclear weapons development and testing is the fact that, well, simply, that Kim wants his Cocoa Puffs. Apparently it’s all he eats. He eats nothing else. He eats them right out of the box, just like Dennis Rodman.
He’s eaten nothing else since 2013!
The U.S. and its allies have all agreed to cut all shipments of the chocolaty delight to North Korea and this has caused severe tensions and what could possibly become, some are saying, World War III. If Russia and China get involved, it’s all over. The Chinese don’t eat Cocoa Puffs so there is no conflict of interest or danger of illicit trade. But Russia, also a boon market for Cocoa Puffs, has purportedly been sending limited supplies to Kim directly, but disguised in Trix boxes. Trix is another popular kids breakfast cereal, but with a fruity flavoring and a silly rabbit as a logo mascot. The problem with this is that Kim likes the Cocoa Puffs box better. He says that part of the joy of eating Cocoa Puffs is being able to look at the box as he’s eating. He loves the Cocoa Puffs Toucan, and he enjoys playing the games and puzzles on the back of the box. He frequently quotes Dennis Rodman saying, “It’s all in the box, baby!”
Many nutrition experts and psychiatrists, as well as foreign policy officials, the UN, and now the military, have been studying this “most complex” problem scenario. The consensus is that it’s a volatile situation for multiple reasons. One, is that President Trump hates Cocoa Puffs and loves Trix, as if it couldn’t get more ridiculously complicated. Be that as it may, the main concern is that if Kim Jong un has literally eaten nothing but Cocoa Puffs since 2013, the man has got to have severe dietary issues which are more than likely the reasons for his erratic psychological behavior. I mean, a man can not live on mounds of Cocoa Puffs and a cigarettes alone. This could explain his hair issue, his dress choices, and his penchant for wanting to blow up the United States.
Further, it is reported that he has been introducing Cocoa Puffs into the national North Korean diet. He started with the military in 2014, and, sources say, has recently been seriously thinking about making Cocoa Puffs the sole (not Seoul) national diet. This would be a catastrophe in that the entire country, its leader and its military would all be eating absolutely nothing but Cocoa Puffs, rationed one meal a day, one cup with water only. Kim gets all he can eat and used milk as seen on TV, but the others wouldn’t know about that and they do as they are told.
Here are the ingredients in Cocoa Puffs: Whole grain corn, sugar, modified corn starch, cocoa processed with alkali, and/or, rice bran oil, color added, salt, fructose, tricalcium phosphate, corn starch, natural and artificial flavor, trisodium phosphate, wheat flour, Vitamin E (mixed tocopherols), BHT (for freshness), vitamins and minerals: (calcium carbonate, zinc, and, iron (mineral nutrients), Vitamin C (sodium ascorbate), B Vitamin (niacinamide), Vitamin B6 (pyridoxine mononitrate), Vitamin B2 (riboflavin), Vitamin B1 (thiamin mononitrate), Vitamin A (palmitate), B Vitamin (folic acid), Vitamin B12, Vitamin D3.
Maybe not so bad after all.
Government officials are still trying to get to the bottom of all this, but Dennis Rodman is nowhere to be found, or he’s simply not answering his calls. Meanwhile, Kim Jong un, and all of North Korea, are having the Cocoa Puffs DT’s with Kim’s shaky finger on the nuclear button. Vladimir Putin has an over surplus of Trix and empty Cocoa Puff boxes while our President Trump continues to enjoy his fruit favored cereal, but does not need another ‘Russia deal” right now.
Kim has just issued an official statement to the U.S., “Silly president, Trix are for kids!”
When I finally woke up and realized this was all just a crazy dream, I was never so happy for my morning bowl of Raisin Bran.
John Kushma is a communication consultant and lives in Logan, Utah.
https://www.linkedin.com/in/john-george-kushma-379a5762
http://newsbout.com/a/John+Kushma
